Cedrick LaFleur - "Talk Leadership with Cedrick on the Radio"
IBGR.Network - PROFIT Radio. Everything a business owner needs to start, grow or exit a business. Grow With Us. Introduction What’s a Crucial Conversation? And Who Cares? Crucial Conversation: “A discussion between two or more people where (1) stakes are high, (2) opinions vary, and (3) emotions run strong” (p. 3) and the outcome greatly impacts their lives. Show Objectives My objective is to discuss how to have crucial conversations, what traps to avoid and to help you be successful in these conversations. 3 Ways of handling crucial conversations: Avoid them. Face them and handle them poorly. Face them and handle them well. Key Issues 4 Reasons for handling crucial conversations poorly (1) Biology: high adrenaline, high blood flow to arms and legs (fight or flight), low blood flow to the brain. (2) They arise without warning: catch us by surprise. (3) Confusion: they required us to improvise, often without rehearsal time. (4) Self-defeating behavior: we do or say the wrong thing, something that makes it worse. What You Need to Do Start with Heart: How to Stay Focused on What You Really Want At the core of every successful conversation lies the free flow of relevant information Dialogue: “The free flow of meaning between two or more people”. “Where bosses are smart, highly paid, confident, and outspoken (i.e. most of the world), people tend to hold back their opinions rather than risk angering someone in a position of power”. When feeling threatened people tend to create a new goal of protecting themselves. Protective goals include: Saving face. Avoiding embarrassment. Winning. Being right. Punishing others. Questions that return you to dialogue: What do I really want for myself? What do I really want for others? What do I really want for the relationship? How would I behave if I really wanted these results? Question to ask in places where dialogue doesn’t/can’t happen: Isn’t there anyone you know who is able to hold a high-risk conversation in a way that solves the problem and builds relationships at the same time? The great leaders will be able to Spot Crucial Conversations Notice physical signals Body responses: sweaty hands, dry mouth or eyes, etc. Notice emotional signals Anger – tightness of shoulders and neck Hurt – tightness of chest Fear – tightness of stomach Notice behavioral signals Raising of voice Pointing of finger Becoming quiet Common forms of silence MASKING: understating or selectively showing what you actually think. Sarcasm, Sugarcoating, Couching, etc. AVOIDING: not addressing the real issues. Changing the subject, Shifting the focus to others, etc. WITHDRAWING: not engaging in the conversation any longer. Exiting the conversation or room all together. VIOLENCE: convincing, controlling, or compelling others to your viewpoint. Violates safety by forcing meaning into the pool Common forms of violence CONTROLLING: coercing others to your way of thinking Cutting others off, overstating your facts, speaking in absolutes, dominating the conversation. LABELING: stereotyping or categorizing people. Name-calling, generalizing ATTACKING: belittling or threatening the other person. Master Your Stories: How to Stay Calm When You’re Angry, Scared, or Hurt “When it comes to strong emotions, you either find a way to master them or fall hostage to them”. Worst at dialogue: hostage to your emotions and don’t even know it. Good at dialogue: you know you need to control your emotions so you fake it. Best at dialogue: negotiate your emotions by thinking them out. Skills for Mastering Your Stories Notice your behavior – ask: Am I in some form of silence or violence? Get in touch with your feelings – ask: What emotions are encouraging me to act this way? Analyze your stories – ask: What story is creating these emotions? Get back to the facts – ask: What evidence do I have to support this story? Here are the 3 Clever Stories we tell ourselves: Clever stories “allow us to feel good about behaving badly even while achieving abysmal results”. Victim Stories – “it’s not my fault” We are innocent sufferers We ignore the role we play in contributing to the problem We have nothing but the most noble of intentions Villain Stories – “it’s all your fault” We attribute negative motives to the other person We exaggerate our own innocence We overemphasize the other person’s guilt We dehumanize the other person by making unfair generalizations We justify our own ineffective behavior Helpless Stories – “there’s nothing else I can do” We assume there is no alternative to our predicament Explains why we can’t do anything to change our situation Attribute fixed and unchangeable traits to the other person Useful Stories Create emotions that lead to healthy productive action – dialogue To turn victims into actors – ask: What am I pretending not to notice about how I contribute to this problem? Am I minimizing my role while exaggerating the role of others? To turn villains into humans – ask: What would cause a reasonable, rational, decent human being to do what they are doing? Replace judgment with empathy and self-justification with personal accountability. Worry less about other’s intentions and more on the effect their actions have on us. Dialogue is “the only reliable way of discovering others’ genuine motives”. To turn the helpless into the able – ask: What do I really want? For me? For others? For the relationship? What would I do right now if I really wanted these results? 4 Listening Tools for helping others share their paths to action Ask them to tell their stories Mirror to confirm feelings Paraphrase to acknowledge their story Indicates you are trying to understand and that it is safe to continue talking Prime when you’re getting nowhere Say what you think they are most likely thinking Use only if the other tools haven’t worked Remember the ABCs Agree: Agree where you do Disagreement typically is over only 5-10% of the facts and stories Build: If others leave something out, agree where you do, then build Compare: When you do differ significantly, don’t suggest others are wrong. Compare your two views. Shows Previous: Episode 7 Core Values of a Winning Team Next: Episode 9 Best of Talk Leadership With Cedrick (Thanksgiving Special) Written by: Cedrick LaFleur, LaFleur Leadership Institute www.lafleurleadershipinstitute.com cedrick.lafleur2@gmail.com 832-722-0522 Source: Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes are High By: Kerry Patterson, Joseph Grenny, & Ron McMillan Talk Leadership with Cedrick on Radio airs Thursday, 2pmCST https://www.ibgr.network/ Talk Leadership with Cedrick on live on FB & YouTube Monday 630pmCST Talk Leadership with Cedrick on live on FB & YouTube Tuesday 530pmCST IG: lafleurleadership Twitter: @lafleurleaders FB: https://www.facebook.com/lafleurleadershipinstitute
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